Changing Expectations

I watched "Up in the Air" last night, a surprisingly downbeat movie worth watching. There was a part that made me wince - the part where the hard-charging younger woman and 30-something business woman were exchanging their expectations for their romantic lives, and of course the younger woman's are much more grandiose and optimistic. She says: "When I was 16 I thought by 23 I'd be married, maybe have a kid and a corner office." The older woman says something like "Life can underwhelm you that way."

[OK, even more cringe-inducing was the line where the young woman says: "I appreciate everything you (feminists) did for us and all...but I still feel like nothing I accomplish will matter if I don't find the right guy." Eek! I never felt that way. Do people really feel this way!?!?]

I was thinking about the differences between my expectations at 21 and my expectations now at 36. When I was 21, I had graduated with my pre-med degree (a year early, because that was was my motto - get things done quickly!) and was starting a new life, getting married to a wonderful guy (outdoorsy, 6'4, nice eyes, all that stuff) and getting our own apartment. I was embarking - though we were in the midst of a recession that wouldn't let up for a few years - on what I was sure would be a successful career. I anticipated that I would earn enough money to be able to take care of myself if I needed to, to be independent.

A few years later, I had a wonderful husband and a pretty great career, managing techies at a big corporation and making fairly good money for someone in their late twenties. I had even managed to get my MA in English while working full-time at AT&T. However, things started going awry. I had multiple cases of pneumonia, strange fevers, and other problems that just wouldn't settle down and go away on their own. I was told at that time that I would never be able to have children, because of multiple issues. We moved away from Cincinnati, wondering in the air pollution and water pollution there could be factors. Fast forward a few years later, and I became too sick to work a full-time job. I had the great husband and the great career, but a huge obstacle had been thrown in my path: I was now the proud owner of a rare genetic disorder, several birth defects, asthma and puzzling autoummune issues. There was no way I was going to become a director or VP - those things were off the table, because I wasn't able to work the punishing hours. The temptation to sulk at the universe, to holler that it wasn't fair, was large - I had always done charity work, been a good person, worked hard and made the right choices - why was this happening?

What are my expectations now? Well, this last year I've had a bumper crop of health issues - and I've tried to stay cheerful, stay focused on the positive. I think no one will tell you marraige is easier when one of the two parties is chronically ill, and the time-and-energy-sink of multiple hospital visits and frequent health scares is a huge downer. I am very thankful to my husband, who rarely complains that he is the one doing the majority of the earning AND the housework, as well as taking care of me when things flare up, who is still as cute and smart and good-inside as he was when I married him.
I am thankful for my friends, who call and cheer me up and get me out of my own head. I am thankful for my writing, which is both comfort and distraction. I'm thankful for a business-like brain (and all those pre-med classes) that help me organize and sort through the often contradictory and confusing advice from doctors. Even when I am outraged by the poetry biz world, discouraged by corruption, it is infinitely more fun to think about than, for instance, my body's latest surprising trials. I am thankful that sometimes students and young people write me and say "I loved this poem" or "I read your book in class and it really made me think about such-and-such."

I've tempered my expectations for things - and I did pursue my MFA, low-residency (very accomodating for people experiencing health issues) and ended up publishing a book in 2006, which I probably wouldn't have done if I had been working full-time at big-time corp. I think now, will I be able to go to the park today and see some bluebirds, get some sunshine on my face, see some new apple or cherry blossoms appear? What will tomorrow bring? I'm still hoping to publish a few more books before my time is done, I hope every day the mail will bring me good news in a SASE, I hope to get out and appreciate art work at galleries and once in a while, I hope to be able to make new friends and hang out with old friends at poetry readings and coffee shops. You can make all the plans in the world, but sometimes life will stand in your way and you can't push it aside. Sometimes we have to adjust our expectations. Maybe not all for the worse. Maybe the point of life is to appreciate each other, appreciate the small things, not get everything we imagined we'd get at 16.

Labels: adjusting our expectations, surprises, Up in the Air

- posted by Jeannine @ 10:09 AM